Tag Archives: Humor

Harmony Korine’s The Beach Bum – Who Is The Real Bum? (a rant, not a review)

There are no spoilers in this rant. However, I will spoil it by saying it’s not worth your time and chances are, if you are of any discerning taste, you will be disappointed if you watch The Beach Bum. One could argue I am spoiling you by saving you the trouble of a poor experience.


I was actually pretty bummed when I missed an opportunity to watch Harmony Korine’s latest feature, The Beach Bum, at the Ritz theater where it was showing, not impossibly far from me. Can someone please tell me what the hell I was thinking? Having streamed it a couple of months ago, I’m sitting here on my couch in my well-appointed (read as adequate) living room around 4:20 in the afternoon when I’m often wont to think about such things as Matthew McConaughey, and I’m feeling the sting of disappointment again as if I had just watched it. Funny how that happens. When it does, I write.

Now, I don’t normally feel compelled to write bad reviews. I realize you can make a career out of being that surly, critical, over egotistical professional critic who gets paid lots of money to shit all over people’s projects in a snarky and entertaining way, but that’s not my goal in life. I’m fine not being Bill Wine. This is a rant.

When it comes to Harmony’s latest film, I write not only in vitriol but out of plain old-fashioned disappointment. I mean, in audience hierarchy, I’m probably second generation, having not seen Korine’s 1995 cult classic debut film Kids until 1999 at the age of 22. It made an indelible impression on me artistically and emotionally. I didn’t even take note of Korine’s name at the time. I just knew the film resonated with me in many ways, difficult to explain even now. I see that as a testament to its merit. It was reality tv before the age of reality tv, in my opinion. Even though it was scripted, the actors had no previous acting experience and were drawn directly from the film’s setting: New York City. It was raw, gritty, and it was a film style I had never really seen before, except perhaps in Italian Neo-realism. But the subject matter of those old subtitled black and white films from my college film class didn’t engage me much. So you can imagine why after seeing The Beach Bum, might be disappointed in a guy who, in his own words, said “give me something I haven’t seen before in a way I haven’t seen it” in a 2013 interview when asked his advice to aspiring filmmakers. I loved that interview, and I know many of his core fans like me must have too. He gave us that back in 1999. And now he gives us this? 

Make no mistake, I am well aware Harmony’s journey through the gauntlet of critically-acclaimed Hollywood success from the tender age of 18 has not been an easy one, by any means. One need only watch this video of his David Letterman Show antics to see we’re talking about an affected man, gifted as he may be in the art of cinema. And perhaps that edginess, the brushes with the law and gratuitous “artist with an addiction” archetype was part of his appeal. But after sitting through The Beach Bum, I think I speak for a lot of fans of his early work when I ask: what happened to you, man?

I get it, you did a lot of drugs, perhaps made some business decisions you regret and had to make a McConaughey movie. It could happen to anyone. Maybe you had to agree to cast certain celebrities, or endorse products, whatever you have to do when you sign a deal with the Hollywood devils. But could you at least have made it look like you put up some kind of fight? It seemed to me, and feel free to disagree with me here, that I was watching a bunch of 2020 Hollywood whores dig up the corpse of 1999 Harmony Korine and parading it around to see how much they could profit off of his name. And the quintessential Hollywood whore, what’s his name… used to be a heavy-set guy they shoved in our face too much, now he’s thin but still nobody cares? Oh yeah, Jonah Hill… Really? Did he have to be in it at all, let alone that much? And that accent? My ex-girlfriend couldn’t do accents to save her life, and even she could pull off a Southern drawl better than Foghorn-Leghorn Hill did in that film. Couldn’t they have just cut him a check for doing nothing just so we wouldn’t have to actually see him? He should be embarrassed by his “performance.” Then again, there was Snoop Dogg. Who doesn’t like Snoop?

But maybe that was the point. To embarrass Harmony Korine. Because to a true fan of films like Korine’s 1997 film Gummo, it felt like The Beach Bum was a coup. A plot to exhibit the nepotistic imperialist power of a bunch of vacuous 2020 celebrities to dig up a cult classic director from the 90’s and eviscerate his image as a groundbreaking genius in the eyes of his early fans. Who are, as it happens, older people. Maybe it’s a generational “fuck you.” I don’t mean that so much as one generation aiming at another, but rather the target market (and it’s all about revenue) has shifted away from me as I’ve gotten older. As if the Hollywood machine is saying “Sorry man, we’ve moved on. And sad as it may be, this is what younger audiences want. More McConaughey.” Oh, but War Dogs, yeah… brilliant film-making, Jonah. I’m sure that will be a Criterion Classic someday. I don’t know who is more at fault here, Korine or the people he was (hopefully) beholden to on this project, but it really doesn’t matter. Your core audience shouldn’t have to ask such questions.

Getting Frank With Frankie – A Fetpix Original Movie

Getting Frank With Frankie

By Spaceman Ross – ORIGINAL HUMOR

(A Fetpix original movie)

Setting: The Supermax Federal Penitentiary in Florence, CO, March 22, 2020

Join us as we present an exclusive never before seen interview with Frank “Frankie the Phantom” Fernanderson. In this cannot-be-missed conversation, the infamous serial killer turned New York Times best selling author offers a candid look at his life, career, and insights on what it takes to make it in 2020. You won’t want to miss what this Public Frenemy #1 has to say! 

Interviewer: Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to interview you for this film. 


Frankie: Sure, no problem. I’m not too busy these days, haha. 


Interviewer: Is this the first time you’ve been interviewed for a feature film? 


Frankie: Yeah. It’s always nice when I can give something back to the community that has offered me countless hapless victims over the years. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. 


Interviewer: Interesting. Have you ever given back to your community before? 


Frankie: Oh yeah, years ago I started doing involuntary mercy killings, ya know, for some poor lonely shut-ins with no frequent visitors. Sometimes I’d be the only face they’ve seen in weeks, depending on their eyesight. With their medical bills, crippling arthritis and what-not, I think they appreciated it. They know it’s either me or cancer, so… I mean, it’s kinda a no-brainer, really. I once heard a saying “we can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone” and that really stuck with me. And it was great practice.


Interviewer: You must’ve practiced a lot. Last we heard it was 86 murder victims and counting, over a span of about thirty years. How do you account for that kind of unmatched success? 


Frankie: Well, yeah, practice helps, haha. Also passion, hard work and dedication to the craft. In tragedy, it really comes down to misdirection. If ya can master that… See, I might wield a revolver to get a victim’s attention, or get’em into the van. And they’re like oh ok, I see where this is goin’, I’m gonna get shot. Then, when I got’em right where I want‘em… the knife comes out. And… it’s all about timing. I get a kick outta seeing the look on the victim’s face when it “clicks” ya know? The instant they get it, that’s the big pay-off for me. 


Interviewer: I’d like to ask about something you said during your trial. You seemed to have some strong opinions about one of your contemporaries, The DC Sniper. Care to comment on that?


Frankie: Oh God… talk about a piece of work. See, in the tragedy world, the so-called “DC Sniper” is the Carrot Top of the industry. He’s a total no-talent hack. If he were here I’d tell him so right to his stupid face. For him, every day was “bring-your-kid-to-work-day.” I mean, come on… Everyone knows all the Greats worked alone. Somebody shoulda told that guy- bodies of your victims are what go in the trunk, not your scared-ass, hiding with a kid! And what kinda example does that set for this young impressionable mind, anyway? If I had a kid with me, I’d want’em to grow and develop their own style, not piggyback off my career. I gotta give’em credit though, I wouldn’t be gettin’ in his car at age 15. I don’t know how he got the kid to do that! 


Interviewer: After such a long time, so many victims, do you remember your first? 


Frankie: Of course, you never forget your first. I remember being pretty scared that first time.. Sometimes I’d pick a venue, somewhere easy for amateurs to break into the scene. I’d get my routine all worked out, and then when the time came I’d just freeze up. Until I eventually got up the nerve to go through with it when I was 22. Then it was smooth sailing. And I’ll tell ya, all the fame and notoriety, all that shit, I’d give it all up just to go back and do that one again. Some killers say you can never quite get that high ever again. The rest of your career you’re always chasin’ it, with every horrendous act.


Interviewer: When you were just starting out, was there anyone who inspired you?


Frankie: Oh yeah, there was one guy who I read about… ya know, when his work became public. I remember thinking yeah, this guy gets it. I wrote a letter to him once. I won’t tell ya who it was though. You’ll have to wait for my next book haha! 


Interviewer: Did you get a reply?


Frankie: I did not. Back then, I was kinda bummed about that. But now that I get my own fan letters, I understand. There’s just too many, it’s hard to get to everyone. They come in faster than you can read’em and you only have so much time to write back. It’s great though, knowing you’re an inspiration to the younger generation just comin’ up.


Interviewer: In your wake of destruction in Nevada, there seem to have been a lot of bodies found in and around Las Vegas. Can you tell us a bit about that?


Frankie: Vegas, Baby! Man, I used to hit the strip… oh I don’t know… maybe once every two years. Usually when I was in a slump. Ya know, everybody gets “killer’s block,” no matter how good you are. They just don’t wanna admit it. Never in my life have I seen more risk-embracing victims. They’d go for anything! I mean, shit, here ya got people willing to risk all their money, their marriages, disease, overdose… anything that was good in their lives, they were willing to lay it on the table, just for a thrill. Talk about easy pickins. They’d literally gamble away anything, including their life. I remember this one guy, he was convinced right up until the closer that I was driving him to some high stakes illegal poker game. Yeah… he got the “high stakes” part right! As soon as they announced “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” every big-shot, every wannabe, and hack wanted in on that action. And the beauty part of it all? Countless acres of unsurveilled desert. You really could make sure that what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, or at least the surrounding desert, ya know what I mean?

Young Frankie the Phantom (2)

Frankie outside a gas station in Las Vegas, 1984 (image courtesy Penchant Publishing)


Interviewer: You mentioned “hapless victims” earlier. Sounds like that guy was a pretty hapless victim. But have you ever had someone who fought back or hindered your performance?


Frankie: Ah… I call them hecklers. Ya get used to it after a while. It’s all about control. Ya wanna always have total control over the room. There’s always gonna be some big-mouth hot-shot, sayin’ “You can’t do this to me, you know who I am?” They may get some digs in, but the last dig is always on them, ya know? The show must go on. The trick to handling hecklers, I found, was to always know your routine inside and out. Don’t let’em sidetrack you. You gotta be able to keep your composure and remain professional. I don’t use gags. Some guys do, and that’s fine if that’s your thing. Personally, I feel you always gotta be open to feedback. I wanna hear what they have to say. It’s more of a thrill if they struggle anyway. Every heckler I dealt with ultimately made me better. …Ya know, scarier, for the next time. It’s how ya grow. 


Interviewer: Growth is certainly important in any career. Is there any advice you have for anyone just starting out today?


Frankie: Hmmm… I kinda wish someone had told me when I was just starting out that it really doesn’t do ya much good to watch what other, bigger name guys are doing. It’s all about stayin’ in your lane. Ignore the hype, forget about the guys puttin’ up bigger numbers. There will always be some guy out there who thinks he’s better than you or who makes it look easy for a while. But where’s that guy gonna be tomorrow? Nobody’s invincible. Everything’s going great until one wrong move. That’s all it takes. Then you wake up one morning and the Feds are going through your garbage or diggin’ up your yard. I would say it’s important to remain humble and thankful for every opportunity. 


Interviewer: So tell us a little about how things have changed since the early days of your career. 


Frankie: The scene’s changed a lot over the years, and not for the better. See, all these kids like your Timothy McVeigh’s and your Ted Kazinsky’s… with their bombs and shit. What is this, Amateur Hour? They seem to have forgotten it’s all about connecting with your victim. I blame Hollywood for a lot of it. All these stupid slasher movies and shit, they’re really degrading to the craft. They make me wanna scream outta anger, not fear! I remember a few guys in here were watching TV one time and there was this cartoon… It was these turtles who somehow knew martial arts… Oh yeah, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, that’s it. And I’m sittin there watchin’ it, and for some reason they’re all named after famous Italian Renaissance artists, as if that makes any sense. Anyway, all I could think was what if some famous martial arts guy, like Bruce Lee, saw these Ninja Turtles? Anyway, it’s a total mockery of all martial arts. And that’s how I feel about these serial bombers. Back in the Golden Age of Tragedy, when I was comin’ up… We connected with our victims. We used a knife. We used a knife because it was up close, it was messy and it was personal, ya know? Ya wanna see the look in your victim’s eyes before the lights go down, not read about it in the papers the next morning with your fuckin’ coffee. How ya gonna leave a calling card in a pile of rubble? Nobody’s gonna even find it! We were Purists. It was all about the process. Their process, if ya wanna call it that, is just building a bomb and maybe pressing a button. Where’s the art in that? There’s no room for improv there, no fear factor. One minute people are alive, then before they know what hit’em… bang, their dead. There’s no game in their game! When ya lose the personal touches, the work suffers. 


Interviewer: With so many years of bloodshed under your belt, especially with some of your earliest victims being neighbors, how do you manage to remain unnoticed and slip through the cracks for so long? What was your relationship with your neighbors?


Frankie: What would my neighbors say about me? Well I was a quiet guy, kept to myself mostly. No wife or kids. My house didn’t have a basement so I built a creepy-lookin’ shed in the backyard. Had like five padlocks on it. Nobody asks questions. They’re too self absorbed with their own lives to worry about the guy next door. As long as I kept my lawn mowed. That seemed most important to them. I had the tidiest lawn in my neighborhood. It’s all about quality fertilizer (wink.) After a while though, your local neighborhood victims, well… it gets too easy. Ya gotta challenge yourself, I think. If ya really wanna make a name for yourself in this business ya gotta branch out. Big cities are where a guy like me can really kick-start a great career. 



Interviewer: Speaking of cities, besides Vegas you seem to have spent a good deal of time working in New York. Tell us about that.


Frankie: Man. New York City. Whew. I moved there when I was about 28-29 years old. New York in the 80’s was like an all-you-can-eat buffet for guys like me, know what I mean? Things were so fucked up there, you could’ve killed somebody in New York back in 1987 and they’d just now be getting around to questionin’ ya. That’s how many open cases there were. City that never sleeps? They’re sleepin’ after they meet me, that’s for sure. Permanently. It’s true what they say, you really could be anything you wanted in New York. Of course, the rampant corruption didn’t hurt in my business. You could… back in those days, you could literally put a body bag out front with your regular trash. They’d come, pick it up, one guy on each end, throw it into the back of the trash truck and drive away, no questions asked! It was unbelievable. I swear I oughtta send a thank-you note to the Department of Sanitation for all their support back then! 


Interviewer: Rape was also a big problem in New York back then. You don’t seem to have an interest in that genre, as opposed to some of your contemporaries. Why is that?


Frankie: Yeah, I know the kinda guys you mean… It was never about the raping for me. Other guys, like Bundy, they relied on it too much in my opinion. It’s cheap, it’s shocking, sure, but it has no value and it’s disrespectful to women, I think. I’d like to see more women in the business, I think they could bring a lot to the table. But those guys just give it a bad name. I don’t know, the deal I signed with the devil didn’t have a rape clause, I guess. The true Greats, guys like Jack The Ripper, they didn’t do rape. They didn’t need to do rape. Torture? Mutilation? Sure. That work stood on its own merit. That’s who I aspired to be like when I was comin’ up. To each his own I guess, but it does nothin’ for me. 


Interviewer: Speaking of women, and in a broader sense relationships, did you have any romantic involvement? You said earlier you didn’t have a wife or children, thankfully, but otherwise?


Frankie: Ya know, when you’re out there puttin’ in work, you’re on the road sometimes 200+ days a year. That’s no way to have a girlfriend or a family or whatever people are doin’. I had a couple of ladies in a few cities, but nothin’ serious. My first and only true love has always been my work, ya know? I’m one of those guys haha. 


Interviewer: Before we wrap up, I wanted to touch on something our viewers have been asking us. How did you come to be known as “Frankie The Phantom?”


Frankie: It all started about ten years ago when the papers started callin’ me “The Phantom.” That’s when I knew, Ok, I’ve really made it. I think it was because I was a master of making sure there were absolutely no witnesses, ever. All of a sudden it was like Phantom this and Phantom that. TV, radio, the news… I couldn’t get away from it. But they didn’t know my first name was actually Frankie and that Frankie the Phantom would’ve sounded a million times better! So ya know, like those kids did with the Manson thing, the Helter Skelter shit on the wall, ya know… I was 16 when that happened and I guess it made an impression on me. So one night I was in a house, killin’, and I was like alright, now’s the time to let’em know it’s Frankie the Phantom. So I just took some blood from that one guy and wrote really big on his dining room wall right above where I left his corpse, “Frankie The Phantom.” I still have the newspaper article with the image of that on the front page. And the rest, as they say, is history. Manson got all this press, so I knew that’s how ya become a household name. It was a bonus getting to offer a tribute to one of the Greats at the same time. 


Interviewer: Wow. Amazing. And the rest is certainly history indeed. A tireless investigation, lengthy trial, and what would ultimately lead you to writing the most critically-acclaimed serial killer book written to date. 


Frankie: Yeah, that and paid housing for the rest of my life. 


Interviewer: Is there anything you’d like to say to our viewers? 


Frankie: Buy my book! Haha, nah just kiddin’, you’re already buyin’ it. And I love ya for it. Follow me on Twitter @TheRealFrankie666, keep serial killing weird, serial killer lives matter and be the carnage you want to see in the world. That’s it. Interview’s over. 

Great Moments In Customer Service History


Great Moments In Customer Service History brings you for the first time ever, the epic story of the world’s first hold music.  

It was the early 1900’s, and both the telephone and mail ordered consumerism were in full swing in ‘Murica. With them came the need for people to be able to call companies and complain about anything and everything. The companies responded by setting up call centers filled with poorly paid operators to take any call, no matter how ridiculous. Those operators needed to be able to put a call on hold to complain to co-workers about how horribly they were being treated or laugh hysterically at callers’ predicaments. Businesses soon realized if they didn’t want their staff to go insane they had to give employees occasional breaks during calls. Thus, the hold button was invented. Knowing they couldn’t just have dead air, it was decided music should be playing while customers were holding. The rest, as they say, is history.  

They called themselves The Next Available Operators. Today some still say they were the most dedicated musicians to ever pick up instruments. No one before or since had displayed their level of endurance and commitment to the music. About 25 in number, they played relentlessly, 24 hours a day, subbing in and out as each musician reached total exhaustion. One guy would fall off his chair and another guy with the same instrument would just jump in his spot and continue right where he left off. The music was wistful, pleasant and wonderfully soothing. At the appropriate times of year they played holiday tunes or patriotic numbers. They arranged themselves in a circle around a large microphone placed in the center of the room. At first, callers could hear the sound of bodies falling to the floor occasionally while on hold. This problem was solved by placing carpet and pillows on the floor to mute the musicians’ collapses.   

Upon calling, customers would hear “Please hold for The Next Available Operators” then be patched into a line dedicated to the group’s nonstop performance.  It was the first hold music in history. Eventually they pressed a phonograph record called “Operators Are Standing By.” It was the best selling and longest hold music record of all time. They quickly became so successful they could be heard everywhere. Shops, elevators and even train stations. Virtually every business began piping the glorious hold music into customers’ ears. Thus began many years of subliminally keeping customers calm and optimistic despite constant disappointment at the poor service they routinely receive.

This has been another Great Moment in Customer Service History. Join us next time as we explore the origins of the Customer Service Desk and how it revolutionized retail shopping in ‘Murica.

Trust Soap


You hear about that new soap? It’s called Trust. Trust is guaranteed to wash away every trace of even the most persistent, nastiest stripper-whore stank from every inch of your body!

Unlike soap, Trust won’t leave a sticky film on you, completely erasing any evidence of immoral acts when used regularly between illicit affairs. Remember, you’re not fully clean unless you’re Trust-fully clean!

Cut to a guy on a crowded subway. He’s awkwardly watching a woman giving her man shit for cheating. She’s yelling at him, smacking him, saying she can still smell the whore on him. As the guy looks on, making a face like “ouch, he’s done for” the voice-over says “Aren’t you glad you use Trust? …Don’t you wish everyone did?”

Trust is the official soap of the NFL and NBA.

Fightee’s Pub


Man-Up Mondays are back at Fightee’s!

That’s right, take your aggression out on half price Slappetizers until 11, then crack open a can of Fightee’s own Whoopass lager for just 2 bucks from 11 to Last Fall or until we get shut down, whichever comes first!  

Fightee’s has what it takes to satisfy your manly need to kick ass and take names with ambulances on stand-by and a Red Cross vending machine on site!  

Don’t be the one bro at work without stories about bashing another guy over the head with a bar stool ever again! At Fightee’s, we’re making memories and losing them, one brawl at a time!

You don’t have to take our word for it, just listen to these loyal Fightee’s patrons: 

“Yo I got straight mangled at Fightee’s, definitely going back for more!”

“Yo I hate my boss so this was the best place to take him for his bachelor party. Thanks, Fightee’s!”

“The Fightee’s ambulance crew didn’t let me bleed out for more than 3 minutes, you don’t get that kind of attention at other bars. It’s clear they’re really committed to making sure everyone has fun.”

Never been to Fightee’s?  Try us on a No-Flinch Friday, where every time you make another bro flinch, he owes you a beer! And don’t forget, on Sucker Punch Saturdays get a dollar off your drink order for each cut or bruise you get while you’re here!

Don’t just go out tonight, go for a knockout at Fightee’s!

Chris Cringle and Col. Harland Sanders: A Family Secret Exposed


It’s a story as American as instant mashed potatoes. In the late 1800’s two brothers were born in Henryville, Indiana who were destined to have a greater impact on America and the world than they could ever realize. Unfortunately, they were diametrically opposed in every way possible. One was to become the most famous symbol of peace, joy and compassion. The other was to become a symbol of corporate greed and commercialism. 

The younger of the two by 7 years, Harland  was not given the same amount of love and attention from the boys’ parents. He dropped out of school at age 16 entered the workforce, somehow transforming himself into a shrewd business man, trying his hand at several failed money making schemes. He joined the Army and fought bravely in WW1, rising to the rank of Colonel. A hip injury from shrapnel ended his tour of duty, leaving him with a new surname and a permanent limp requiring him to walk with a cane. Although a bit rattled from his battlefield experience, he was even more motivated to succeed in business like any good red-blooded American patriot. Upon his return home he made a fortune in the mass produced fried chicken business. He never cared for his brother’s “love your neighbor” idealism. It was shameful to him that Chris didn’t go to fight in the war, a fact that only deepened the rift between them. 

Chris was the older brother, always a little chubbier than Harland, and always the most giving and friendly, peace loving and caring person. He never had a problem with anyone in life except for Harland. Chris was a tried and true hippie before there was a name for such a thing. It saddened him to see his brother become a cold and calculating processed meat tycoon. So much so in fact, he changed his last name to Cringle to avoid being associated with his brother. The name Cringle is derived from “Chris” and the word “jingle”, on account of his obsession with wearing bells on his boots that made a jingling sound when he walked. Due to his overly generous nature he never made a lot of money. He was content to travel around spreading joy from town to town. He held several temporary jobs and communal living situations in his youth. He eventually found a wife and moved to the North pole to get away from a society he never felt shared his values. He was an animal rights activist and kept a herd of reindeer he rescued from a meat processing plant under dubious circumstances. 

Chris represents the ultimate bleeding heart liberal, and Harland represents the die-hard conservative corporate baron.  No wonder they never quite saw eye to eye. This mockumentary would contain interviews with old friends sharing memories of Chris and Harland from many years ago. There would be dramatic reenactments of their lives, and their bitter rivalries. All of it would be sensationalized by a syrupy, smug narrator. 

Hospital Cat


Hospital Cat is a daytime talk show run by and for animals kept as pets (done with original puppets), focusing on their health and wellness under the care of people, and filmed in front a a live human studio audience.

The host, Hospital Cat, is a world renowned veterinarian and author. He is also a recovering catnip addict who was once in dire straits but turned his life around and became a star TV doctor.

One episode would focus on the emotional and psychological impact of a dog being neutered, complete with a teary on-air breakdown (think Dr. Phil meets the pet/animal world). There would also be some underhanded poking fun at the American healthcare system represented by the ever rising cost of pet prescription medicine, of course.  

There would be a segment featuring a Chinese panda couple who has decided they don’t want children but live in a zoo that keeps trying to force them to reproduce. Other guests would include a chicken traumatized by having her eggs continually taken from her, a skunk whose glands were removed so he could be a family pet, and a Snickerdoodle (or whatever they’re called) designer toy breed dog who is having an identity crisis.

There would be clips of audience member questions taken from TV shows like Dr Oz or Dr Phil. I think it would be funny to juxtapose highly civilized, progressive animals (think the Geico Cavemen) against the rather crude and uncivilized humans in the audience.



Accessorcize is America’s favorite brand new exercise craze that’s sweeping the nation! It’s a revolutionary method to getting a killer workout while doing something you love…shopping!

First, select a bracelet. Put it on your wrist, and put your arm up as you twist your hips toward your boyfriend and say “how does it look?” Repeat for 3 sets of ten, then put a bracelet on your other wrist and repeat. It’s that easy!

Never look sweaty and unattractive while working out again!  

Our helpful step by step instructional DVD will show you such techniques as “This Belt Is Too Tight” and “Does This Hat Look Cute?” Get both the self validation you want and the exercise you desperately need in seconds! Why waster your time spending hours in a hot sweaty gym lifting heavy stuff… Gross! Accessorcize is the only fitness program that is no pain, all gain!

But that’s not all. Call now and we’ll include a week’s supply of Thin-A-Min absolutely free! Thin-A-Min, America’s greatest weight loss miracle solution, uses state of the art nutritional supplement science to keep you feeling great and losing those unsightly pounds. Once you try it you won’t be able to stop feeling unstoppable! All you pay is shipping. Offer not available in states where Thin-A-Min has been banned.

So what are you waiting for? Don’t be the last one to figure out what everyone else already knows. Start Accessorcizing today!  



In a corporate office’s training room, a trainer becomes obsessed with a trainee named Erin who was the best trainee he’s ever had. Suddenly, after only 3 days of training Erin disappears. The trainer repeatedly asks the other managers if they’ve heard from her, but apparently Erin has found another job and did not give notice or any explanation upon leaving. The trainer is heartbroken, and goes crazy, insisting Erin is coming back. He won’t let anyone touch her former area in the training room, including her highlighter and post-it notes. He keeps telling the other trainees “If Erin were here she’d know the answer” and “Erin could show you guys a thing or two about that.”

One day the other trainees come in the training room to find at Erin’s computer a wreath around a pixelated image of Erin’s face. The trainer had bought Erin’s old training badge from another employee who found it in the parking lot where Erin had tossed it when she left. He managed to blow up the tiny headshot on the badge and print it on an 8 by 10. Below the image were the words “Erin – Aug 5, 2015-Aug 8, 2015.” in beautiful calligraphy.

Later that day a trainee discovers an error needing fixing and it was made by Erin. The trainer loses it. He makes up excuses for how the error may have not been Erin’s fault. He is totally outraged by the notion that Erin could have made a mistake.

Cut to a scene of the trainer on his lunch break outside in the corporate office park and while he’s eating his sandwich he spots a woman he’s convinced is Erin among the other corporate types on their way to and from their office buildings. He tosses the sandwich and is off running, calling her name, desperately shoving people out of the way. He narrowly misses his chance as the auto-locking door of her office building slams shut behind her. Grabbing a man’s badge and swipes himself into the building in a crowd of the woman’s coworkers. He’s fiercely struggling to catch up to her but can only see the back of the woman’s head.

Finally he’s right behind her. Right at the second he’s about to get her attention two firm hands grab his shoulders as the security guard behind him pulls him, dragging him backwards. The woman, sensing commotion behind her, turns around. The trainer’s face drops at the realization it isn’t his precious Erin. His body goes limp, and the security guard continues to drag him backwards down the hallway. He is physically thrown out the front door by the guard and falls down some steps outside as it starts to rain. On his knees he throws his arms up and looking to the sky, getting poured on, he screams “Errriiiiiiinnn!!!!”