Getting Frank With Frankie
By Spaceman Ross – ORIGINAL HUMOR
Setting: The Supermax Federal Penitentiary in Florence, CO, March 22, 2020
Join us as we present an exclusive never before seen interview with Frank “Frankie the Phantom” Fernanderson. In this cannot-be-missed conversation, the 3 time winning “America’s Most Wanted” serial killer offers a candid look at his life, career, and insights on what it takes to make it in the world of serial homicidal maniacs in 2020. You won’t want to miss what this Public Enemy #1 has to say!
Interviewer: Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to interview you for this film.
Frankie: Sure, no problem. I’m not too busy these days haha.
Interviewer: Is this the first time you’ve been interviewed for a feature film?
Frankie: Yeah. It’s always nice when I can give something back to the community that has offered me countless hapless victims over the years. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Interviewer: Interesting. Have you ever “given back” to your community before?
Frankie: Oh yeah, years ago I started doing involuntary mercy killings, ya know, for some poor lonely shut-ins with no frequent visitors. Sometimes I’d be the only face they’ve seen in weeks, depending on their eyesight. With their medical bills, crippling arthritis and what not, I think they appreciated it. They know it’s either me or cancer, so… I mean, it’s kinda a no-brainer, really. I once heard a saying “we can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone” and that really stuck with me. And it was great practice.
Interviewer: You must’ve practiced a lot. Last we heard it was 86 murder victims and counting, over a span of about thirty years. How do you account for that kind of unmatched success?
Frankie: Well, yeah, practice helps haha. In tragedy, it really comes down to misdirection. If ya can master that… See, I might wield a revolver to get a victim’s attention, or get’em into the van. And they’re like oh ok, I see where this is goin’, I’m gonna get shot. Then, when I got’em right where I want‘em… the knife comes out. And… it’s all about timing. I get a kick outta seeing the look on the victim’s face when it “clicks” ya know? The instant they get it, that’s the big pay-off for me.
Interviewer: I’d like to ask about something you said during your trial. You seemed to have some strong opinions about one of your contemporaries, The DC Sniper. Care to share your impression of his methods with our viewers?
Frankie: Oh God… talk about a piece of work. See, in the tragedy world, the so-called “DC Sniper” is the Carrot Top of the industry. He’s a total no-talent hack. If he were here I’d tell him so right to his stupid face. For him, every day was “bring-your-kid-to-work-day.” I mean, come on… Everyone knows all the Greats worked alone. Somebody shoulda told that guy- bodies of your victims are what go in the trunk, not your scared ass hiding with your kid! And what kinda example does that set for this young impressionable mind, anyway? If I had a kid I’d want’em to grow and develop their own style, not piggyback off Dad’s career. Ya wanna give your victims something they’ve never seen before.
On The First Time…
Interviewer: After such a long time, so many victims, do you remember your first?
Frankie: Of course, you never forget your first big act… of violence. I remember being pretty scared to take that first stab at it. Sometimes I’d pick a venue, somewhere easy for amateurs to break into the scene. I’d get my routine all worked out, and then when the time came I’d just freeze up. Until I eventually got up the nerve to go through with it. Then it was smooth sailing. And I’ll tell ya, all the fame and notoriety, all that shit, I’d give it all up just to go back and do that one again. Some killers say you can never quite get that high ever again. The rest of your career you’re always chasin’ it, with every horrendous act.
On Fan Letters…
Interviewer: When you were young and still perfecting your act, was there anyone you wrote fan letters to who inspired you to continue?
Frankie: …Yeah, I wrote one once. I was very young, and not yet known on the scene. I won’t tell ya who it was though. Part of the unwritten code between psychos, I’m sure you understand. Back then, I was kinda bummed I never got a reply. But now that I get my own fan letters, I get it. There’s just too many, it’s hard to get to everyone. They come in faster than you can read’em and you only have so much time to write back. It’s great though, knowing you’re an inspiration to the younger generation just comin’ up.
Interviewer: In your wake of destruction there seem to have been a lot of bodies found in and around Las Vegas, Nevada. Care to talk a bit about that?
Frankie: Vegas, Baby! Man, I used to hit the strip… oh I don’t know… maybe once every two years. Usually when I was in a slump. Ya know, everybody gets “killer’s block,” no matter how good you are, they just don’t wanna admit it. Never in my life have I seen more risk-embracing victims. They’d go for anything! I mean, shit, here ya got people willing to risk all their money, their marriages, disease, overdose… anything that was good in their lives, they were willing to lay it on the table, just for a thrill. Talk about easy pickins! They’d literally gamble away anything, including their life. I remember this one guy, he was convinced right up until the closer that he was goin’ to some high stakes illegal poker game in this abandoned warehouse. Yeah… he got the “high stakes” part right! As soon as they announced “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” every big-shot, wannabe and hack wanted in on the action. And the beauty part of it all? Countless acres of unsupervised desert so you really could make sure that what happened in Vegas really stayed in Vegas, ya know what I mean?
Interviewer: Sounds like that guy was a pretty hapless victim. Have you ever had someone who fought back, or hindered your performance that you can recall?
Frankie: Ah… we call them hecklers. Ya get used to it after a while. It’s all about control. Ya wanna always have total control over the room. There’s always gonna be some big-mouth hot-shot, sayin’ “You can’t do this to me, you know who I am?” They may get some digs in, but the last dig is always on them, ya know? The show must go on. The trick to handling hecklers, I found, was to always know your routine inside and out. Don’t let’em sidetrack you. You gotta be able to keep your composure and remain professional. I don’t use gags. Some guys do, and that’s fine if that’s your thing. Personally, I feel you always gotta be open to feedback. Every heckler I deal with ultimately makes me a better threat next time. It’s how ya grow.
On the Competition…
Interviewer: Growth is certainly important in any career. Is there any advice you have for a young murderer just starting out today?
Frankie: Hmmm… I kinda wish someone had told me when I was just starting out that it really doesn’t do ya much good to watch what other bigger name guys are doing. It’s all about stayin’ in your lane. Ignore the hype, forget about the guys puttin’ up bigger numbers. There will always be some guy out there better than you who makes it look easy. But where’s that guy gonna be tomorrow? Nobody’s invincible. Same for drug lords, crooked CEO’s, all the way up to dictators. Everybody loves ya until one wrong move. That’s all it takes. Then you wake up one morning and the Feds are going through your garbage, diggin’ up your yard. I would say it’s important to remain humble and thankful for every opportunity.
On The Golden Age…
Interviewer: So tell us a little about how things have changed since the early days of your career.
Frankie: The scene’s changed a lot over the years, and not for the better. See, all these kids like your Timothy McVeigh’s and your Ted Kazinsky’s… with their bombs and shit. What is this, Amateur Hour? They seem to have forgotten it’s all about connecting with your victim. I blame Hollywood for a lot of it. All these stupid slasher movies and shit, they’re really degrading to the craft. I swear when I’m sittin’ there watchin’ that shit I just wanna yell at the screen. It’s like if Bruce Lee was sittin’ and watchin’ The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, ya know? The shit’s offensive to the craft. Back in the Golden Age of Tragedy, when I was comin’ up… We connected with our victim. We used a knife. We used a knife because it was up close, it was messy and it was personal, ya know? Ya wanna see the look in your victim’s eyes before the lights go down, not read about it in the papers the next morning with your fuckin’ coffee. How ya gonna leave a calling card in a pile of rubble? Nobody’s gonna even find it! We were Purists. It was all about improv, the process. When ya lose the personal touches, the work suffers.
On Keeping A Low Profile…
Interviewer: With so many years of bloodshed under your belt, especially with some of your earliest victims being neighbors, how do you manage to remain unnoticed and slip through the cracks for so long? What was your relationship with your neighbors?
Frankie: What would my neighbors say about me? Well I was a quiet guy, kept to myself mostly. No wife or kids. My house didn’t have a basement so I built a creepy-lookin’ shed in the backyard. Had like five padlocks on it. Nobody asks questions, they’re too busy with their own lives to worry about the old guy next door. As long as I kept my lawn mowed. That seemed really of most importance to them. I had the tidiest lawn in my neighborhood. It’s all about quality fertilizer (wink.) After a while though, your local neighborhood victims, well… it gets too easy. Ya gotta challenge yourself, I think. If ya really wanna make a name for yourself in this business ya gotta branch out. Big cities are where a guy like me can really kick-start a great career.
On New York…
Interviewer: Speaking of cities, besides Vegas you seem to have spent a good deal of time working in New York. Care to comment on that?
Frankie: Man. New York City. Whew. New York in the 80’s was for serial killers what Old Country Buffet is to fat people when they bring out a fresh batch of king crab legs, know what I mean? You could’ve killed somebody in New York back in 1987 and they’d just now be getting around to questioning you. That’s how many cases there were. City that never sleeps? They’re sleepin’ after they meet me, that’s for sure. Permanently. It’s true what they say, you really could be anything you wanted in New York. Of course, the rampant corruption didn’t hurt in my business. You could… back in those days, you could literally put a body bag out front with your regular trash. They’d come, pick it up, one guy on each end, throw it into the back of the trash truck and drive away, no questions asked! It was unbelievable. It went like this: NYPD? New York’s finest. FDNY? New York’s bravest. Department of Sanitation? New York’s strongest. I swear I oughtta send a thank you note to those guys for all their support during those early years of my career.
Interviewer: Yea rape was also a big problem in New York back then. You don’t seem to have an interest in that genre, as opposed to some of your contemporaries.
Frankie: Yeah, I know the kinda guys you mean… It was never about the raping for me. Other guys, Bundy, etc. they relied on it too much in my opinion. It’s cheap shock value and it’s disrespectful to women, I think. I’d like to see more women in the industry and those guys just give it a bad name. All the Greats, the guys I looked up to- Son of Sam, etc…. They didn’t rape. They didn’t need rape. Their bloody tragedies stood on their own merit. That’s who I aspired to be like when I grew up. To each his own I guess, but it does nothin’ for me.
Interviewer: Speaking of women, and in a broader sense relationships, did you have any romantic involvement? We know you didn’t have a wife or children, thankfully, but otherwise?
Frankie: Ya know, when you’re out there puttin’ in the work, you’re on the road sometimes 200+ days a year. That’s no way to have a girlfriend or a family or whatever people are doin’. I had a couple of ladies in a few cities, but nothin’ serious. My first and only true love has always been my work, ya know? I’m one of those guys haha.
On The Name…
Interviewer: Well our visiting time is almost up. I can see the Warden giving me the signal we only have another minute here. But before we wrap up, I wanted to touch on something I know our viewers have been asking us. What are your thoughts about how you came to be known as “Frankie The Phantom?”
Frankie: It all started about ten years ago when the papers started callin’ me “The Phantom.” That’s when I knew, Ok, I’ve really made it. I think it was because I was a master of making sure there were absolutely no witnesses, ever. All of a sudden it was like Phantom this and Phantom that. TV, radio, the news… I couldn’t get away from it. But they didn’t know my first name was actually Frankie and that Frankie the Phantom would’ve sounded a million times better! So one night I was killin’ and I was like alright, now’s the time to let’em know it’s Frankie the Phantom. So I just took some blood from that one guy and wrote really big on his dining room wall right above where I left his corpse, “Frankie The Phantom.” I still have the newspaper article with the image of that on the front page. And the rest, as they say, is history!