All posts by Spaceman Ross

A young man hurtling through space, sealed in his shuttle. Isolated from all human contact except for a digital interface. He was sent on a mission to claim new territory and resources for the One World Government. He has yet to find any, and he's longing for his life back on earth as he wanders ever deeper into nothingness.

Fightee’s Pub

ORIGINAL HUMOR

Man-Up Mondays are back at Fightee’s!

That’s right, take your aggression out on half price Slappetizers until 11, then crack open a can of Fightee’s own Whoopass lager for just 2 bucks from 11 to Last Fall or until we get shut down, whichever comes first!  

Fightee’s has what it takes to satisfy your manly need to kick ass and take names with ambulances on stand-by and a Red Cross vending machine on site!  

Don’t be the one bro at work without stories about bashing another guy over the head with a bar stool ever again! At Fightee’s, we’re making memories and losing them, one brawl at a time!

You don’t have to take our word for it, just listen to these loyal Fightee’s patrons: 

“Yo I got straight mangled at Fightee’s, definitely going back for more!”

“Yo I hate my boss so this was the best place to take him for his bachelor party. Thanks, Fightee’s!”

“The Fightee’s ambulance crew didn’t let me bleed out for more than 3 minutes, you don’t get that kind of attention at other bars. It’s clear they’re really committed to making sure everyone has fun.”

Never been to Fightee’s?  Try us on a No-Flinch Friday, where every time you make another bro flinch, he owes you a beer! And don’t forget, on Sucker Punch Saturdays get a dollar off your drink order for each cut or bruise you get while you’re here!

Don’t just go out tonight, go for a knockout at Fightee’s!

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Chris Cringle and Col. Harland Sanders: A Family Secret Exposed

ORIGINAL HUMOR

It’s a story as American as instant mashed potatoes. In the late 1800’s two brothers were born in Henryville, Indiana who were destined to have a greater impact on America and the world than they could ever realize. Unfortunately, they were diametrically opposed in every way possible. One was to become the most famous symbol of peace, joy and compassion. The other was to become a symbol of corporate greed and commercialism. 

The younger of the two by 7 years, Harland  was not given the same amount of love and attention from the boys’ parents. He dropped out of school at age 16 entered the workforce, somehow transforming himself into a shrewd business man, trying his hand at several failed money making schemes. He joined the Army and fought bravely in WW1, rising to the rank of Colonel. A hip injury from shrapnel ended his tour of duty, leaving him with a new surname and a permanent limp requiring him to walk with a cane. Although a bit rattled from his battlefield experience, he was even more motivated to succeed in business like any good red-blooded American patriot. Upon his return home he made a fortune in the mass produced fried chicken business. He never cared for his brother’s “love your neighbor” idealism. It was shameful to him that Chris didn’t go to fight in the war, a fact that only deepened the rift between them. 

Chris was the older brother, always a little chubbier than Harland, and always the most giving and friendly, peace loving and caring person. He never had a problem with anyone in life except for Harland. Chris was a tried and true hippie before there was a name for such a thing. It saddened him to see his brother become a cold and calculating processed meat tycoon. So much so in fact, he changed his last name to Cringle to avoid being associated with his brother. The name Cringle is derived from “Chris” and the word “jingle”, on account of his obsession with wearing bells on his boots that made a jingling sound when he walked. Due to his overly generous nature he never made a lot of money. He was content to travel around spreading joy from town to town. He held several temporary jobs and communal living situations in his youth. He eventually found a wife and moved to the North pole to get away from a society he never felt shared his values. He was an animal rights activist and kept a herd of reindeer he rescued from a meat processing plant under dubious circumstances. 

Chris represents the ultimate bleeding heart liberal, and Harland represents the die-hard conservative corporate baron.  No wonder they never quite saw eye to eye. This mockumentary would contain interviews with old friends sharing memories of Chris and Harland from many years ago. There would be dramatic reenactments of their lives, and their bitter rivalries. All of it would be sensationalized by a syrupy, smug narrator. 

Hospital Cat

ORIGINAL HUMOR

Hospital Cat is a daytime talk show run by and for animals kept as pets (done with original puppets), focusing on their health and wellness under the care of people, and filmed in front a a live human studio audience.

The host, Hospital Cat, is a world renowned veterinarian and author. He is also a recovering catnip addict who was once in dire straits but turned his life around and became a star TV doctor.

One episode would focus on the emotional and psychological impact of a dog being neutered, complete with a teary on-air breakdown (think Dr. Phil meets the pet/animal world). There would also be some underhanded poking fun at the American healthcare system represented by the ever rising cost of pet prescription medicine, of course.  

There would be a segment featuring a Chinese panda couple who has decided they don’t want children but live in a zoo that keeps trying to force them to reproduce. Other guests would include a chicken traumatized by having her eggs continually taken from her, a skunk whose glands were removed so he could be a family pet, and a Snickerdoodle (or whatever they’re called) designer toy breed dog who is having an identity crisis.

There would be clips of audience member questions taken from TV shows like Dr Oz or Dr Phil. I think it would be funny to juxtapose highly civilized, progressive animals (think the Geico Cavemen) against the rather crude and uncivilized humans in the audience.

Accessorcize

ORIGINAL HUMOR

Accessorcize is America’s favorite brand new exercise craze that’s sweeping the nation! It’s a revolutionary method to getting a killer workout while doing something you love…shopping!

First, select a bracelet. Put it on your wrist, and put your arm up as you twist your hips toward your boyfriend and say “how does it look?” Repeat for 3 sets of ten, then put a bracelet on your other wrist and repeat. It’s that easy!

Never look sweaty and unattractive while working out again!  

Our helpful step by step instructional DVD will show you such techniques as “This Belt Is Too Tight” and “Does This Hat Look Cute?” Get both the self validation you want and the exercise you desperately need in seconds! Why waster your time spending hours in a hot sweaty gym lifting heavy stuff… Gross! Accessorcize is the only fitness program that is no pain, all gain!

But that’s not all. Call now and we’ll include a week’s supply of Thin-A-Min absolutely free! Thin-A-Min, America’s greatest weight loss miracle solution, uses state of the art nutritional supplement science to keep you feeling great and losing those unsightly pounds. Once you try it you won’t be able to stop feeling unstoppable! All you pay is shipping. Offer not available in states where Thin-A-Min has been banned.

So what are you waiting for? Don’t be the last one to figure out what everyone else already knows. Start Accessorcizing today!  

Erin

ORIGINAL HUMOR

In a corporate office’s training room, a trainer becomes obsessed with a trainee named Erin who was the best trainee he’s ever had. Suddenly, after only 3 days of training Erin disappears. The trainer repeatedly asks the other managers if they’ve heard from her, but apparently Erin has found another job and did not give notice or any explanation upon leaving. The trainer is heartbroken, and goes crazy, insisting Erin is coming back. He won’t let anyone touch her former area in the training room, including her highlighter and post-it notes. He keeps telling the other trainees “If Erin were here she’d know the answer” and “Erin could show you guys a thing or two about that.”

One day the other trainees come in the training room to find at Erin’s computer a wreath around a pixelated image of Erin’s face. The trainer had bought Erin’s old training badge from another employee who found it in the parking lot where Erin had tossed it when she left. He managed to blow up the tiny headshot on the badge and print it on an 8 by 10. Below the image were the words “Erin – Aug 5, 2015-Aug 8, 2015.” in beautiful calligraphy.

Later that day a trainee discovers an error needing fixing and it was made by Erin. The trainer loses it. He makes up excuses for how the error may have not been Erin’s fault. He is totally outraged by the notion that Erin could have made a mistake.

Cut to a scene of the trainer on his lunch break outside in the corporate office park and while he’s eating his sandwich he spots a woman he’s convinced is Erin among the other corporate types on their way to and from their office buildings. He tosses the sandwich and is off running, calling her name, desperately shoving people out of the way. He narrowly misses his chance as the auto-locking door of her office building slams shut behind her. Grabbing a man’s badge and swipes himself into the building in a crowd of the woman’s coworkers. He’s fiercely struggling to catch up to her but can only see the back of the woman’s head.

Finally he’s right behind her. Right at the second he’s about to get her attention two firm hands grab his shoulders as the security guard behind him pulls him, dragging him backwards. The woman, sensing commotion behind her, turns around. The trainer’s face drops at the realization it isn’t his precious Erin. His body goes limp, and the security guard continues to drag him backwards down the hallway. He is physically thrown out the front door by the guard and falls down some steps outside as it starts to rain. On his knees he throws his arms up and looking to the sky, getting poured on, he screams “Errriiiiiiinnn!!!!”