Hospital Cat

ORIGINAL HUMOR

Hospital Cat is a daytime talk show run by and for animals kept as pets (done with original puppets), focusing on their health and wellness under the care of people, and filmed in front a a live human studio audience.

The host, Hospital Cat, is a world renowned veterinarian and author. He is also a recovering catnip addict who was once in dire straits but turned his life around and became a star TV doctor.

One episode would focus on the emotional and psychological impact of a dog being neutered, complete with a teary on-air breakdown (think Dr. Phil meets the pet/animal world). There would also be some underhanded poking fun at the American healthcare system represented by the ever rising cost of pet prescription medicine, of course.  

There would be a segment featuring a Chinese panda couple who has decided they don’t want children but live in a zoo that keeps trying to force them to reproduce. Other guests would include a chicken traumatized by having her eggs continually taken from her, a skunk whose glands were removed so he could be a family pet, and a Snickerdoodle (or whatever they’re called) designer toy breed dog who is having an identity crisis.

There would be clips of audience member questions taken from TV shows like Dr Oz or Dr Phil. I think it would be funny to juxtapose highly civilized, progressive animals (think the Geico Cavemen) against the rather crude and uncivilized humans in the audience.

Accessorcize

ORIGINAL HUMOR

Accessorcize is America’s favorite brand new exercise craze that’s sweeping the nation! It’s a revolutionary method to getting a killer workout while doing something you love…shopping!

First, select a bracelet. Put it on your wrist, and put your arm up as you twist your hips toward your boyfriend and say “how does it look?” Repeat for 3 sets of ten, then put a bracelet on your other wrist and repeat. It’s that easy!

Never look sweaty and unattractive while working out again!  

Our helpful step by step instructional DVD will show you such techniques as “This Belt Is Too Tight” and “Does This Hat Look Cute?” Get both the self validation you want and the exercise you desperately need in seconds! Why waster your time spending hours in a hot sweaty gym lifting heavy stuff… Gross! Accessorcize is the only fitness program that is no pain, all gain!

But that’s not all. Call now and we’ll include a week’s supply of Thin-A-Min absolutely free! Thin-A-Min, America’s greatest weight loss miracle solution, uses state of the art nutritional supplement science to keep you feeling great and losing those unsightly pounds. Once you try it you won’t be able to stop feeling unstoppable! All you pay is shipping. Offer not available in states where Thin-A-Min has been banned.

So what are you waiting for? Don’t be the last one to figure out what everyone else already knows. Start Accessorcizing today!  

Erin

ORIGINAL HUMOR

In a corporate office’s training room, a trainer becomes obsessed with a trainee named Erin who was the best trainee he’s ever had. Suddenly, after only 3 days of training Erin disappears. The trainer repeatedly asks the other managers if they’ve heard from her, but apparently Erin has found another job and did not give notice or any explanation upon leaving. The trainer is heartbroken, and goes crazy, insisting Erin is coming back. He won’t let anyone touch her former area in the training room, including her highlighter and post-it notes. He keeps telling the other trainees “If Erin were here she’d know the answer” and “Erin could show you guys a thing or two about that.”

One day the other trainees come in the training room to find at Erin’s computer a wreath around a pixelated image of Erin’s face. The trainer had bought Erin’s old training badge from another employee who found it in the parking lot where Erin had tossed it when she left. He managed to blow up the tiny headshot on the badge and print it on an 8 by 10. Below the image were the words “Erin – Aug 5, 2015-Aug 8, 2015.” in beautiful calligraphy.

Later that day a trainee discovers an error needing fixing and it was made by Erin. The trainer loses it. He makes up excuses for how the error may have not been Erin’s fault. He is totally outraged by the notion that Erin could have made a mistake.

Cut to a scene of the trainer on his lunch break outside in the corporate office park and while he’s eating his sandwich he spots a woman he’s convinced is Erin among the other corporate types on their way to and from their office buildings. He tosses the sandwich and is off running, calling her name, desperately shoving people out of the way. He narrowly misses his chance as the auto-locking door of her office building slams shut behind her. Grabbing a man’s badge and swipes himself into the building in a crowd of the woman’s coworkers. He’s fiercely struggling to catch up to her but can only see the back of the woman’s head.

Finally he’s right behind her. Right at the second he’s about to get her attention two firm hands grab his shoulders as the security guard behind him pulls him, dragging him backwards. The woman, sensing commotion behind her, turns around. The trainer’s face drops at the realization it isn’t his precious Erin. His body goes limp, and the security guard continues to drag him backwards down the hallway. He is physically thrown out the front door by the guard and falls down some steps outside as it starts to rain. On his knees he throws his arms up and looking to the sky, getting poured on, he screams “Errriiiiiiinnn!!!!”

Punched By A Ghost – The SMH Project

ORIGINAL PHOTOGRAPHY

This project was done back in 2007 and was originally called Punched By A Ghost. I never shared it with anyone outside of my closest friends. SMH did not mean anything back in 2007, at least not that I was aware. Now the project has an updated title for its public debut in 2018. I like to think about how long after I’m gone these images will remain on the internet for someone to haplessly come upon. I consider it a virtual time capsule of an artist’s insanity. I realize from a technical perspective these images are considered novice at best, but they are no less enjoyable to view. I would love to hear your thoughts so feel free to comment.

This project is dedicated to my mother Juleeva, who has been making me SMH for as long as I can remember.

Camera: Panasonic DMC-LZ6 with Leica lens

F-stop: f/3.3

Exposure: 1/30

ISO: 100

Focal Length: 13 mm

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Spaceman Ross – Origin Story – 3

SPACE BLOG

“Ross! Ross dear, come get your soup!” came the demure, timid voice of a twenty year old girl from the kitchen. It was Ross’s newest nanny, Miss Emily, and her efforts were in vain. Even if her frail voice wouldn’t be lost in the mammoth expanse of the Bronski residence, which it surely would have between the kitchen and the boy’s personal playroom down the hall, he was only there physically anyway.

Ross’s body may have been sitting on the floor in the middle of the room’s sprawling burgundy plush Berber carpet, but his mind was swimming deep beneath the ocean waves in a virtual reality induced world known as Inky Shadows, designed for kids. His VR helmet looked too heavy for his 4 year old head, and as he bobbed it from side to side to the music it looked like he was struggling to hold it upright.

Where does a baby octopus play

Where no sun or moon will light the way

Come on down and be the who knows

What lies below in Inky Shadows

It was amazing just how much time Ross spent in that virtual world, but it wasn’t entirely surprising. The grey walls and cavernous expanse of his mother Stella’s luxury condo with its disgustingly expensive, cold and sterile decor simply couldn’t compare to the lush colors and cozy nooks of Inky Shadows. Add to that a collection of cute creatures that sing songs and go on adventures and you’ve got the ultimate escape for a lonely boy seeking a connection. And that was certainly Ross.

It was 2104 and four years into parenting, Stella had had about a week’s worth of contact with her son in the last three months. On paper she was an excellent parent. Ross’s every need was swiftly met, just not necessarily directly by her. It wasn’t intentional, but ultimately Stella had only one love in life: her career. She didn’t hate staying home with him for the first year of his life, but the glow of new motherhood soon gave way to the gnawing ambition to get back in the office. It was a great time to be in business if you were in a position of influence, after all. The One World Government became a stronger conglomerate every year, and only those businesses who were savvy enough to take early advantage of lucrative contracts would survive. Stella was not about to be left out in the cold. To be fair, all of her efforts at work were with Ross’s best interests in mind, but none of that mattered down in Inky Shadows.

Heels clacked loudly down the hall as the dutiful nanny brought Ross his lunch of Lil’ Ninja soup made with tiny pasta throwing stars shrouded in darkness by a bean curd miso broth. After she brought him back from his underwater paradise to join her on earth, she knelt next to him and talked while he ate. Emily was the third in what was to be a long list of nannies, and the most talkative thus far. The thing was, she had such a timid voice it was easy to tune her out when she went on a ramble. She was a slight girl with meek, mousy features. Everything about her was as thin as her voice.

After going on for about ten minutes straight about everything from the guy she was dating to the gift she bought her dad for his birthday to OMG you’ll never believe what happened to her sister… there was a momentary lull. Ross looked up at her as though she hadn’t said a word and asked “Miss Emily, are you my friend?” It was the first time Ross ever asked someone this question, but far from the last. In fact, years later he would be faced with this very question in much more dire circumstances. He would find himself in situations where his very life hinged on the answer. But today that answer would come easy. Emily flashed a toothy smile and no sooner than saying “of course” was off on another bout of constant talking.

For his part, Ross’s father Donald was around when he could be. For the first few years of Ross’s life he and Stella’s relationship was at its peak. They saw each other whenever they could escape from work, and the coming of a child reinvigorated their passion in the bedroom. Stella had even abandoned her side pieces for him. For the time being she was content to give herself to Donald alone, helping to cement the belief in her mind that he was actually Ross’s father. This assuaged any residual guilt she would have had for knowing it was possible he was not. That was a dark secret to be kept to herself for many years.

Are You My Friend?

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